persona non grata

Epitaph of the soul.

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Never fall in love with a poet…

Never fall in love with a poet
for their words are sometimes lies
on occasions they’re a shield
on occasions a disguise

They will take you on a journey
upon which they bare their soul
in a bid to ease your burdens
in a bid to make you whole

But in every word they choose
for the stories that they tell
lies a little piece of heaven
and a little piece of hell

Tormented souls we poets are
sometimes quite broken and despaired
in search of lost expressions
missed by others who once cared

Never fall in love with a poet
unless you’re prepared to share their pain
to hold them close on the darkest nights
over and again

-A. Thomas Hawkins

The Second Time You Fall in Love with Someone

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You worry about your ex finding love before you do, you worry about being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well at night.

The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart. You realized that people could stop meaning the sweet things they said to you just yesterday. So when you go into it again, you’re going to keep in mind everything that you’ve learned. You’re going to say, “Love me, love me, love me…until you don’t. In which case, I would like some advance warning. Thanks!”

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to compare it to your first love. That’s okay. That’s natural. You’re going to be studying the new love with judgement and wariness. “My ex never liked broccoli. Why the hell does this one eat so much broccoli?!” Discovering that you have the ability to love multiple people who are different and feel different is initially very jarring. Loving an unfamiliar body will leave you disoriented and in dire need of a map. That’s okay too. That’s to be expected. Just ask the new love for directions.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to suffer from a bout of amnesia. You’re going to poke and prod at your lover’s body and be like, “Wait, how do I do this again? How do I love you? I think it starts with us having a moment together in some coffee shop, right?” It’s going to feel scary at first. Falling in love is sort of like riding a bike though. You never really forget.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’ll be a more sane person. Your first love is when you get all of your insanity out. You behave like an insane monster because your mind is freaking out about all these new powerful feelings. By the second time, however, you have an idea of what works and what doesn’t. It’s by no means perfect. The insanity will make a cameo at some point. “Peek a boo. I’m here! Hope you didn’t forget about me!” But you can usually shoo it away after awhile.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you will hopefully have better sex. Do not quote me on this.

The second time you fall in love with someone will still be exciting and you might even talk about moving in together or marriage. It will feel more “adult.” You have no idea what adult love actually is but you think it involves making coffee for each other in the morning and maybe even getting a dog. “This is my dog, Xan. I got him with the second person I fell in love with because that’s what you do! The first person I was in love with would’ve killed a dog.”

The second time will not be the first time. The first time is an insane magical life gift that you can never reclaim. But that’s okay. The second time is more real anyway. The second time can involve some amazing love.

-AUG. 16, 2011 

1:54 a.m.

I feel more alone than ever before. I don’t think this stubborn heart of mine can ever open. I’m terribly good at pretending, and it renders me bitter and cold with every word I speak through my teeth and every emotion I fake.
But such is the price I pay in order to be…not alone.

Ironic and pathetic.
I’m a little lost. Maybe even miserable.

2:32 a.m. confession

I only loved them when I was inebriated, and I faked the rest.
'Cause darling I've been faking everything since the day you left.

Dream Sequence: “Death”

The black void of chaos surrounds me
Desolate wastelands as far as the eye can see
Blood red smoke headed my way, with the promise of Death.
The only sign of life I see is you, 
"Everything’s going to be fine".
I nod my head, not because I believe you but because 
I understand your need to lie, 
And you know, that I know
We were both going to die.

One last embrace before we go,
"Promise we’ll meet in the next life".
I bury my head inside your chest and you whisper those
Three words.
One last embrace, and we disappear into the void.


——

This dream was very visual and evoked a tremendous amount of emotions, which lingers on even until today.
Despite its tragic vibe, I woke up very peacefully that morning. 

Dream Sequence: “Ghost”

We’re sitting in the grass, 
I’m leaning against your shoulder and
you’re holding my hand tight,
Talking about eternity and forever,
"Don’t let this go"
I see you smile and laugh, 
And god, I thought I would never see that ever again 
in my life
And I’m so confused,
and sad because I know,
This isn’t real, will probably never be
but my feelings are, and will forever be.

But there is no forever, not even in dreams.

—-

cursed to stay in love with this… ghost.
Waiting for someone to release me.

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